


How to survive unrequited by park jaehyung

by eipic



Category: Day6 (Band)
Genre: Alcohol Abuse/Alcoholism, Alternate Universe - College/University, I Wrote This Instead of Sleeping, M/M, Misunderstandings, Not Actually Unrequited Love, Past Drug Use, Roommates, Unrequited Love, What Was I Thinking?
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2019-03-29
Updated: 2019-08-03
Packaged: 2019-12-26 12:29:29
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 8
Words: 2,994
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/18282407
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/eipic/pseuds/eipic
Summary: [If found, burn all contents of this book]{aka} jae is in love with someone else's boyfriend but everything might not be what it seems





	1. Chapter 1

Adoration glistened in Brian's eyes, he was wholeheartedly absorbed in the performance. He looked like a proud parent who's only child had made it into the college of their choice. Pride danced in eyes that were solely focused on the stage, trained on the performers with deadly concentration. Something else swam in Brian's eyes but it couldn't quite be described unless you've ever been in love.

Jae tried to ignore Brian from the stage. His plan failed.

His features just seemed to be enhanced because of the sharp lights surrounding the stage and Jae couldn't pull his eyes away no matter what he tried. His vision was always drawn back to Brian and how he seemed to make casual look so elegant. Messy hair, a week of t-shirt he found on his bedroom floor and a pair of ripped skinny jeans - Brian still seemed to pull it off and leave Jae following him with his eyes everywhere.

It was painful for Jae to live his life from that stage and watch those expressions so in the darkness, when the only light was the violent flashes of strobe lights or when the stage lights were blinding, he could pretend Brian was looking at him with such adoration, such pride, such wonder.

But he would never look at Jae like that. Brian just looked through Jae to Dowoon. 

Dowoon, the perfect little drummer boy who could never do any wrong, he was all smiles and silent laughter. Of course Brian was smitten with such a pure, baby angel.

He would never look at Jae like that so Jae just kept playing his guitar, allowing the brief moment the lights took over to pretend Brian was in love with him and not Dowoon.


	2. Chapter 2

Jae descended the stage steps with the widest smile in the history of facial expressions, closely followed by a Dowoon who was displaying a tiny smile in comparison to Jae's own comical looking grin but they conveyed the same emotion: pride. The set had gone well, no one had heckled them like last time and they made a decent tip to split three ways when Brian reached them.

The whole set had been both physically and mentally draining for Jaehyung because he was still recovering from a spur of the moment night on the town the night before and because Brian has flashed his pearly whites in his direction when he was performing god only knows by the beach boys, much to everyone's amazement. It was a beautiful moment.

The lights had dimmed at the right moment and Jae could sing the song to Brian, his own silent dedication he never needed to know about. As long as Brian was smiling, Jae would be content for life.

"That was amazing, guys!" Brian beamed excitedly like a child offered his favourite candy. Brian was experiencing his end of show buzz when he would spend the next 45 minutes praising Jae and Dowoon's excellent teamwork and for the next 45 minutes Jae would absorb none of the praises, he would be too busy trying to imagine what Brian's lips would feel like against his own. For those 45 minutes Jae would live in a drunken haze as he sipped his beer and was happy for his best friend.

Conversation was very lax casual as Jae sipped his now warm beer and the love birds drank cocktails or something like that (Jae was too busy telling his heart to  _shut the fuck up_ than listen to what Brian was ordering at the bar). Dowoon gasped and nearly punched Jae in the nose as his hand shot into the air excitedly to point at the little tv sat on a ledge above the bar, playing a year old football game no one cared about, "Look, it's Jae!" He was very excited to point out it was in fact Jae on TV. He was starring in his own TV ad, advertising athletes foot creams.

Embarrassment climbed up Jae's and clung to his warm cheeks at the sight of his awful acting for the ad, he was a desperate college student with debts and loans to pay off so he wasntw going to turn down the opportunity to use his face to make a little money on the side. It just aided his day job a little.

"Looking good up there Jae." The evil smirk Brian sported would have made anyone roll their eyes but Jae just sat in dumb silence and try not to stare at Dowoon's boyfriend for too long.

Before too long the pair where dragging Jae out the bar and back into the night air. He was back to drinking himself to oblivion rather than seek help but Brian and Dowoon were always there to carrying home and remind him in the morning of how much of a fool he was and post leaflets for rehab centres through his door. Jae didn't want their help thought, he just wanted the buzz and the unrealistic reality he entered after every hit he took.

He was unhealthy but his friends were their for him. "Good night, Woonie a-and Brian." Jae's speech stuttered as his spoke, broken by his slurred speech as he leaned on Brian's shoulder limply and drew little patterns in Dowoon's hair because Dowoon was at the perfect height for him to do that. 

No one said anything about Jae being extremely drunk off his ass, nor did Brian say anything when Jae made his usual declaration of "I'll love you until the end of time", he was just drunk so he didntd really mean it those were Brian's thoughts  _Jae would never say those words if he was sober._

Brian walked home in the early hours that morning hand in hand with Dowoon to share some of the weight on his chest for a little while.


	3. Chapter 3

Morning waves burst through the window of Jae's bedroom and crashed into his head, leaving his dizzy and disoriented. It felt like his head was full of cotton wool and he swore he could feel his brain turning to soup. Still, Jae had not opened his eyes and had his arm rested against his forehead to cool himself down a little.

Everything from the night before was in pieces. He remembered drinking his usual beer at the bar with Brian and ordering something from the bar that had a French sounding name and from there he got hammered because he was missing the buzz coursing through his veins. No doubt Brian would be disappointed and there would most likely be a leaflet for a rehab centre tucked under his coffee cup in the kitchen but Jae couldn't care. How was he supposed to care when he couldn't  _feel_ anything anymore.

Jae had grown numb when he moved to college, a bright eyed 18 year old fresh out of school and looking for a life to live. But his life turned into one of a prescription drug junkie. He found himself on the wrong end of a sleeping pill addiction that was beginning to spread to a painkiller addiction without professional help. Then Brian stumbled into Jae's life, quite literally.

He had just walked away from the back street of a drug store where Jae knew a guy who had access to the stuff he wanted for a cheaper price when Brian, with his earphones in and playing on his phine walked head first into Jae's chest and nearly knocked him to the ground.

From that day on Brian had been his closest friend in the universe, he was the one who saved him from his own demise, even when he was about to OD, Brian seemed to be the superhero that arrived just in the nick of time to stop him, to save him.

Because that's what friends do.

Eventually, Jae managed to pull himself up, open his eyes and tumble out of his bed, onto his cold hardwood floor. He wanted nothing more than to lay there forever and pretend his life didn't exist but his throat was sore and scratchy and his head was hammering and he just needed water.

So Jae moved on with his life, like nothing ever happened, like his heart didn't hurt like it did every Sunday morning. He could pretend, while no one was around, Brian was his and had just popped out.

Maybe he was getting eggs so Jae could make pancakes, maybe he was in the bathroom brushing his teeth to keep them clean. Or maybe he was already in the kitchen making breakfast.

"Good morning, Jae." Brian whispered from the kitchen, making Jae question his own eye sight. He rubbed his eyes once, twice, three times to check it was Brian and not his imagination torturing him. Brian smiled apologetically at Jae, "I made breakfast, we need to talk about last night." Suddenly it was all seriousness. Jae wanted to vomit.


	4. Chapter 4

**3:23 am**

Brian woke up in a cold sweat, almost on the verge of tears as he choked on what remained of his ability to breathe. He lurched himself out of bed and scrambled out of his bedroom, still dressed in his clothes from the night out the bar. He stumbled over books and open bags and made his way into the main room of the  apartment where Dowoon was drinking milk out the jug at 3 am

"Brian?" Dowoon was looking at him cautiously, eyeing him nervously, "Was it another bad dream?" Brian nodded, fumbling for his keys in the dish with feverish fingers to grasp the keys desperately, "I'll, I'll be back later..."

Almost without his shoes, Brian was practically running out the building and in the direction of Jae's apartment feeling sick to his stomach.

The dreams weren't rare, normally Brian would just cry himself back to sleep again but this time Brian needed to see it for himself, he needed to see Jae was still alive and breathing, sleeping away the night.

It was another dream that had left Brian choking on his breathing and almost sobbing. It was another one where Jae died in Brian's arms, the one where he ODs with a smile of content and that look of utter bliss as his system gives in and he's free to start again. Those dreams tormented Brian all too often. 

He felt sick as he shakily pulled his keys out his pocket, 101 keychains and key rings hanging off it all courtesy of Jae's childish love of arcade games. Brian would never throw them away because they were all Jae and everything that made his day better. 

The apartment was silent, not even the fan was on like he expected because Jae didn't believe in superstitions. Brian gasped for his breath and slipped into the apartment silently.

He made a beeline for Jae's bedroom to make sure he was still alive.


	5. Chapter 5

**4:03 am**

Jae was alive. Jae was breathing. Jae hadn't OD'ed.

Brian could breathe a sigh of relief and close the door again. He was free to return to his bed, return to his own own home, return to Dowoon. His dreams were a curse Brian could forget about for a few hours. He could go home, he could go to sleep and forget about the moment he had a breakdown.

But, he still felt guilty. He didn't want to leave in case something did happen. It wasn't rare Jae got drunk out of his mind - it was his unhealthy coping mechanisms - but something was different this time, he knew something was wrong with Jae. 

He would stare at him, his expression blank and nervous. He would separate himself from the conversation. It also didn't help that his self proclaimed  _best friend_ was avoiding hanging out anywhere near himself and Dowoon for some unknown reason.

They used to be an extremely close knit trio. Now it was Brian and Dowoon or Dowoon and Jae. The trio were now two opposite duos.

Brian glanced at Jae's wall clock,  **4:13 am** , he sighed to himself and dropped on to the sofa for a break. He fished his phone out of his pocket and smiled to himself.

Somewhere out there was the Jae Brian wanted to meet desperately but that Jae needed a friend to guide him through the dark and out into the sun. The Jae Brian was looking for could only be found in old photo albums now, where the photographs captured Jae at his brightest, glowing bright enough to challenge the light of the sun. Jae looked 10 years younger with more sleep and a healthier life.

But those pictures weren't perfect.

Those pictures led to Jae on the edge and Brian on the edge of snapping because Brian was struggling to express to himself he was in love with Jae because to accept that love would be to accept that he could lose Jae so easily to his own demons.

The silence was deafening Brian too much in the darkness so he got up again and let himself into Jae's room silently. He was toeing at the line and pushing the limits but he was getting cold so Brian helped himself to Jae's favourite sweater and left the room again.

Now wrapped in a layer of comfort Brian could only imagine, Brian tucked himself into a tiny ball on the sofa and fell asleep; drowning in dreams of nothingness and helplessness.

At **8.45 am** his alarm went off


	6. Chapter 6

"I made breakfast, we need to talk about last night." Suddenly it was all seriousness. Jae wanted to vomit.

Brian looked exhausted and Jae felt guilty because clearly it was his fault yet again. Everything seemed to be his fault. That dumb crush ruining everything.

Snapping fingers pulled Jae out his thoughts, it was Brian's exhausted face that made Jae feel guilty all over again. "Last night..." Brian couldn't make eye contact with him as he plated up food for them both to stall for time. Jae couldn't blame him, he was a mess who Brian shouldn't need to clean up. "Last night... Last night was the last straw." Brian's lip quivered momentarily.

Jae must've imagined it because Brian was head strong and brave, complicated yet so simple at the same time. A human contridiction, sharp features but soft care. It left Jae grasping at straws.

The daydreaming and absent thinking had clearly aggravated Brian because he snapped, shaking Jae out of his thoughts. "You know what Jaehyung; fuck you. I'm done. I've tried, cried, and sacrificed so much for you but do you actually care?" Speechless, Jae gawked at Brian.

Everything had been flipped on its head so fast. "I hope life is good to you or some bull shit like that." Brian spat frustrated.

He picked up his phone and his keys, glanced around Jae's apartment one last time and stormed out still wearing Jae's sweater.

The slamming of the door sent Jae spiriling. The tears couldn't be stopped because he was  _suck a fucking idiot._

And in that moment, Jae didn't want to drink his problems away.


	7. Chapter 7

Jae cried, cried and sobbed until he couldn't breath, until he had nothing left to cry, until all he could do was hate himself. It was out of character for Jae but when your life crashes, burns and breaks all in one foul swoop what can you do other than mourn the scorched remains of a damaged heart.

All he could bring himself to do was drag himself to the sofa and collapse, falling back to sleep in seconds.

His dreams came in waves, crashing over him, the waves pulling him under the surface and drowning him in his own insecurities and foolish mistakes he kept making. He didn't want to be Jae anymore, not without Brian.

*

The next few days were rough.

He couldn't bring himself to leave his apartment, he cancelled all his gigs and began living off the scraps of food he stored in the very backs of his cupboards. It was all out of fear he might see Brian again and that wouldn't just break his heart, it would shatter and he would probably do something dumb and regret it later.

So Jae stayed at home, unsure how long it had been since Brian stormed out. A week? A month? He didn't know anymore.


	8. Chapter 8

A faint tapping could be heard at the door. It was a quite Sunday and Jae had just completed round 3 of feeling sorry for himself and switching through every channel on his TV. He wasn't expecting anyone to visit him this side of Christmas so he ignored the door, assuming it was Mrs Choi from down the hall who kept losing her cat.

Only, the tapping at the door got gradually louder until the person on the otherside was hammering on the door - possibly even kicking it. The sounds thundered around in Jae's head like someone had decided that his head looked like the perfect substitute football to boot across the playing field. This forced Jae from his cocoon of blankets and shitty day time TV to answer the door.

The last person on earth Jae expected to see why stood outside his apartment door. It wasn't santa, satan or Obama - instead it was Yoon Dowoon. Dowoon, Brian's perfect, babyfaced, bright eyed boyfriend. Jae couldn't find in his heart to despise him even though he felt he should, none of the issues going on were his fault but Jae wanted to blame him so badly.

They had been close, a long time ago but Jae's feelings for Brian had forced him away from Dowoon so he wouldn't hurt him. Jae wanted to kick himself.

He did a better job protecting Dowoon than he did protecting Brian.

"Can I come in?" Dowoon's tone was bland but his eyes were pleading, there was something on his mind and it was troubling him. Jae silently let him in, trying not to say anything.


End file.
